My Random Rant On Mary Sues
by Epitome of Randomness
Summary: See title. Also contains tips on repairing your Sues so they become OCs, as well as reviewing and a couple of things on genetics. How did that get in there? Read and Review! COMPLETE!
1. An introduction to Mary Sues

**My Random Rant On Mary Sues:**

**Or**

**Mary Sues, a study in mistakes and kinds.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, authors, books or bass players on this page. Including Edward. Can someone tell me who he is please?!?!**

**I wrote this all in one go, I know it's a list/rant and technically against the rules but it's Christmas and not reporting me can be my pressie. And I'll give you an icy cold lemonade because it's BOILING here.**

1. EYES

Don't give your Sue violet, deep emerald, sky blue, azure, sapphire, pale green, almost black or silver eyes. Most of these colours violate the laws of genetics and will not be achievable until the events of Scott Westerfield's Uglies series come to pass.

Example:

_She looked up at him with deep green eyes, almost emerald. They glimmered in the light. Artemis found himself falling deeply, madly in love with her-_

Which brings me to my next point.

**2. FALL ING IN LOVE**

This is the sort of correct, more normal formula for relationships:

Boy meets girl, usually at party or school. After spending some time hanging out as friends, one of them will ask the other out. They may continue to date, or they may wish they had stayed friends.

The Sue Formula.

Boy sees girl. Boy falls madly, deeply in love with said Sue. No exceptions. They spend about 8 minutes flirting, then the Sue falls for the boy.

**3. NAMA SAYA or WIE HEISST DU? **

Incredibly complicated/random names. I don't care if Raiyana means Beautiful Girl. I don't give a damn if Juniala means Meant for Artemis. Who in the world, other than Hollywood celebrities, would name their daughters that?

Example:

"_I-I-I'm sorry," stammered Artemis, taken by her beauty. "I don't even know your name."_

"_My name is Beeyutafel." Said Beeyutafel, tossing her raven tresses (record scratch noise)._

"_What a…lovely name."_

**4. HAIR **

Yes, with hair dye, these days you can have just about any colour under the sun, but with the extreme colours, like pitch black, your hair just looks like plastic. Very few people-no, I mean, and I'm not being racist, but very few white people have black hair, and most Sues either have blonde curls or raven black tresses. No, not black hair, raven black tresses, long, golden blonde curls, tousled auburn waves or chestnut locks.

Me? I'm a chestnut locks kinda Sue.

**5. BODIES **

Super athletic with long slim legs, pale, clear skin. And they're at least a D-Cup. 'Nuff said.

**6. PERFECT IN LOOKS AND PERSONALITY **

An Artemis Sue? No prob, their IQ is equal, but not higher than his. Harry Potter Sue? She's an orphan with dark hair and a shady past. An Aang Sue? They are either an incredible bender in their discipline OR they are an Airbender OR they have control over two elements OR they're the Avatar as well. It's called Avatar: The Last Airbender for a reason. Edward Sue? Sorry, I haven't read Twilight, but I'm getting it for Christmas.

Sues all have incredible fashion sense, a wicked sense of humour and the same taste in music as:

Arty/Klaus/Harry/Aang/Naruto/Sokka/Bart/PeteWentz/Duncan/Whoever/Edward, whoever the hell he is.

**7. KINDS OF MARY SUE**

In my Sue study, I have come across three kinds of Sues.

**The Fangirl Sue**

Written by some SQUEE! Girl with a crush on the character her Sue gets. These kinds of Sue usually have the most ridiculous features, midnight black tresses with pink and silver streaks and bright blue and purple eyes with pale clear skin and a fashionable, clean cut wardrobe….

**The Accidental Sue**

Usually written by beginning writers, these Sues are accidentally created when the author tries to make them perfect at the start, as they are not very good at character development. These Sues have been fixed, and the procedure is often simple. JUST MAKE THE FREAKIN CHARACTER (sorry, caps lock) have flaws. Swearing, nail biting, an obsession with a certain bass player, tangled hair. Oh, and get rid of the golden curls. Brown and sort of frizzy is soooooo in right now.

**The OC Sue**

We get it, we get it. We forgive you. JUST DON"T DO IT AGAIN! (woo! Caps lock)

You're tired. You just got eighty reviews saying stuff like OMGZZZZZZ!!!!!! UPDATE NOW!!!!!!!!1!!!

So in your desperation, forget replying, I will soon, you stick up a half done chapter where:

Arty/Klaus/Harry/Aang/Naruto/Sokka/Bart/PeteWentz/Duncan/Whoever/Edward, whoever the hell he is, meet some girl, who was going to have character. Class. Normal coloured eyes, though I know, it is easy to accidentally write 'Sparkling sapphire eyes' instead of, erm, blue eyes.

Usually these characters/stories recover from the Sue and go on to be reviewed again and again with 'OMG!!!!1!!!! Luvved it!!!'

If this happens to you, shut down your computer immediately, put away your writing implements and take a break. When you get a meaningful review, say, something like:

**That was good, but your OC is getting a little Sueish and Artemis is a little out of character. I really like how you've kept Holly and Artemis friends though. **

Write the next chapter in your own time, or if you're smart, you'll have already written it and be holding it hostage until you get 5 more good reviews.

**Thanks for reading and reviewing (lol) and merry Christmas. I just want to say I'm working on a sequel to Messages and Romance, but it's kind of a different genre. It's a lot darker (I think) and there isn't an IM in sight.**

**Again, Merry Christmas to all of you. **

**REVIEW!!**

**Lotsa luv,**

**Nic.**

**xoxo**


	2. Categorizing Sues, Part 1

_**I don't own any characters, and hopefully I don't own any Mary Sues either….**_

**DIVIDING THE SPAWN OF SATAN**

**Or**

**CATEGORISING MARY SUES. Part 1.**

Sues, as they are perfect for their character, have to be just as smart, but not smarter, just as fit, but not fitter, and a million times hotter than:

Arty/Klaus/Harry/Aang/Naruto/Sokka/Bart/PeteWentz/Duncan/Whoever/Edward, whoever the hell he is, but will stand by their man.

I realise I covered this in brief detail in the last chapter, but I think this should be gone over in more detail.

**Sues can easily be divided by the character they are created for:**

**Artemis Fowl Sue:**

These Sues are often blonde or raven haired, with light blue or green eyes. They are tall, slim and have a sensible wardrobe, and enjoy wearing black jackets. I'm not kidding.

These Sues are often about 20 IQ points behind Artemis, yet are fitter than him and are black belts in some form of martial arts to impress Butler. The Sue will play guitar or piano and can sing well.

They will usually meet Artemis when Juliet or Holly drags him out shopping or to some event that Artemis does not want to attend.

Names: Usually after a goddess of love, beauty or something pretty, like Iris, Eros, Hera or Aphrodite.

**Klaus Bauldelaire/Quigley, Duncan Quagmire Sue**

As most characters in ASOUE have dark hair, these Sues will either blend in with midnight black tresses or stand out with auburn curls and bright blue peepy-poppers (eyes). They are short, slender, smart and enjoy either reading, map making or writing articles.

They have a shady past, are either related to Count Olaf, know something about VFD and they are always an orphan or have their parents missing.

Names: Something totally random, after the author or after a famous researcher, cartographer or journalist. I can't be bothered to research a famous researcher, cartographer or journalist to use as an example.

**Aang Sue:**

Long, brown or blonde hair, light eyes. They are Aangs height and age, and are always a bender. An incredibly gifted bender. Or another avatar. Or Airbender. Or Control two of the elements. Never three.

Obviously, being an Airbender would be impossible, because having another airbender would contradict the title.

The Sue will have a loving, rich-ish family who takes the group in and feeds them.

Names: Something with an 'a' at the end, named after a goddess or a slightly rearranged element, eg: Aria (air) Earna (earth) Flaima (fire) Wata (water). Obviously.

**Zuko Sue:**

Dark or bright red hair, brown eyes, with a burn somewhere on their body. His height and age, usually a fire or water bender. Will be named something to do with fire. Something ridiculous, like Lavana, Flama or Emba.

**That's the end of part one of categorizing Sues. Thanks for the reviews everyone. I'll add the other half soon. **

**I would love it if someone wanted to write about the Edward Sues and PM it to me, because I have a funny feeling, after wandering blindly through the Twilight section, that if I tried to write it, bad things would happen.**

**REVIEW!!**

**Lotsa luv,**

**Nicola.**


	3. Categorizing Sues, Part 2

_**ATTENTION CATS RULE, the anonymous reviewer of chapter two. **_

_**DO NOT make Molly smarter than Artemis. There are already 4 genii in the Artemis Fowl series, and we don't need another one. **_

_**You can make her clever. Lots of people are clever. I like to think I'm clever. But I think I'm actually a smart ass. And a rambler.**_

_**Just DO NOT make her smarter than Arty. I'm begging you.**_

**Dividing the Spawn of Satan**

**Bart Simpson Mary Sue**

Rare, but unfortunately not extinct, these young Sues, also known as Mini-Marys are difficult to categorize, as because a Bart Sue would be a bad girl with ripped up clothing and a hatred for school. This means Bart Sues can also be Badly-Written OC's. More about that later.

Bart Sues are often punkish, rock/rap loving skater girls. They are either incredibly rich or poor.

They often have black or blonde hair and wide eyes.

Names: Ashley, Katie, Tiffany. You know.

**Edward Sue.**

Uhhhh….

**Naruto Sue**

Naruto Sues come in two kinds, A or B.

An A Sue is another Ninja, with rich parents. She is smart and funny and wears bright colours. She's the only one who _understands_ Naruto, as the demon has made him totally whacked out and his friends have abandoned him.

Of course.

A B Sue is some poor, yet smart and funny girl who is saved by Naruto from some kamikaze ninjas with nunchuks and swords, as those are the only two ninja weapons the authors knows. This poor, shy girl will also have a demon inside her, probably some kind of dragon.

B Sue will wear dull clothes but will have bright eyes and long blonde hair.

Names: After a demon, devil or goddess.

**Sorry this chappy was so short. I'm working on the next one and it's about 3 microsoft word pages long. Thanks for reviewing everyone. **

**FALL OUT BOY ROCKS**

**Nicola**

**xoxo**


	4. Edward Sues

**I would like to thank ****Italiangurlinamessedupworld, aka Beth for writing about Edward Sues. You rock!!!!**

**Edward Sue**

A vampire, or were-vamp, depending on story sometimes even human, but if

vampire has LOADS of abilities, brunette or blond but if their blond you got

it wrong because Edward likes brunettes better. They will always play some

kind of instrument, or sing, be prettier then either Rosalie or Bella, and has

an old fashioned name or newer age name nothing in between. Edward will either

break up with Bella in these fics or cheat on her THEN break up with her, even

though it's almost impossible. More than likely rich.

Is musician and/or singer, wears either really fancy clothes or really simple

clothes.

Their hair is usually brunette or blond.

Names: anything completely out of style by now.

**The next chapter will be up soon-like later tonight, tonight being the 18****th**** of December, or tomorrow. Very soon. **

**THANKS ITALIANGURL!!!**

**New Found Glory rocks!**

**Luv from**

**Nicola.**


	5. Other kinds of character

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this chapter or story. **

**Other kinds of Character**

**Or**

**An introduction and thoughts on OCs.**

**This chapter is all about other kinds of character, from Gary Stu's to…**

**Fangirls**

Fangirls can be solitary but are seen more often in large screaming groups, or 'Squees.'

Solitary Fangirls are often obsessed with one male character, usually Artemis Fowl, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, or as I understand it, Edward.

Fangirls in Squees appear in parodies chasing down the main character. Squees have one dominant female, known as Fangirl #1, who will scream their bone chilling war cry…

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ARTEMIS FOWL!"

The rest of the Squee will then reply:

"SQUEE!!!!!!!"

My research concludes that the squee noise is a mixture of a squeal, laugh and cry.

Fangirls are very diverse in looks and clothing,

**Well Written OCs**

Few things can beat the feeling. You must know it. A new fanfic with an OC. Not a carbon copy of the main character in a blonde wig, not a Mary Sue but an OC. An original character with depth, within the boundaries of genetics features, chewed fingernails, freckles and an obsession with a certain bass player.

Well Written OCs are on the rise and if you spot one you should congratulate the author in a long and well rounded review.

WWOCs come in a variety of shapes and sizes and can wear anything from normal fashions to emo style.

**Badly Written OCs**

Like Mary Sues, Gary Stus and STIs, BWOCs should be avoided at all costs.

Badly Written OCs are often used by tween Fangirl authors who put their age up to join fanfiction. They are torn between OCness and Sueness.

BWOCs are the way they are because the author is so desperate to make sure that their OC is not a Sue. This means that the OC is so Anti Sue that they are perfect at not being perfect. Even though they are smart, beautiful and brave.

BWOCs are punks, Goths (but never emo), rebellious to the point of overthrowing the Prime Minister and like metal.

Or the authors version of metal, aka My Chemical Romance.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is metal. Metallica is metal. My Chemical Romance is a relatively new genre, Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop. (1)

**Gary Stus**

Rarer than Sues, but not extinct, Gary Stus are the male equivalents of Mary Sues. One famous Stu is Artemis Fowl.

Stus are dark haired, smart, smexxi, funny, bad boys with killer fashion sense. 'Nuff said.

**Background OCs**

Background OCs usually pop up, have one line to a paragraph in the story and are then gone from our lives, forgotten.

Background OCs are usually mundane people who only enter the story when:

A) the main character needs someone to inform him what is happening

B) the main character is shopping

C) the author feels like it

There is a rarer and more hilarious use for a Background OC:

Having them randomly trampled by a Squee of Fangirls.

Background OCs are usually dull old men and women or teenagers. They are usually shop assistants, secretaries, or passerby.

**OOCs**

Usually found in parodies, alongside Mary Sues or in badly written fanfics, Well Written Out Of Characters are rare.

OOCs are used when the writer takes the main character not written by them and changes their personality, e.g:

Harry Potter: Who cares about Voldemort! Hermione is hot!

Violet Bauldelaire: I like pink. Olaf is hot!

Artemis Fowl: Learning is boring. Holly is hot!

Lisa Simpson: I like hot dogs. Milhouse is hot!

OOCs are occasionally used when the author writes an original story with all original characters and does not put it on fictionpress; instead they change the names and post it on fanfiction.

**Thanks for the reviews, everyone, keep 'em coming. Tell me if I missed any kinds of character.**

**(1) About the Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop. Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop is a new genre that I discovered. Many of the top bands today have been described as either Alternative, emo, punk, punk-pop, punk-rock, pop or rock. With a little metal sprinkled in here or there. New Found Glory, My Chemical Romance, Hit The Lights, Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is…, and The All American Rejects are Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop bands.**

**HIT THE LIGHTS ROCK!**

**See you when I'm looking at you**

**Nicola.**


	6. Sue Slaying

**I READ TWILIGHT!!! YAY!! EDWARD IS HOT!!!**

**Ahem. On with story…**

**Ridding the World Of Evil**

**Or**

**Sue Slayers**

I recently received a private message from an organization, with this information on ways to slay Sues:

**The Review:**

_A review is meant to be a critique of the authors work, e.g:_

_I liked this chapter. You spelt wrong, but that's an easy mistake. Good job._

_And if there is a Mary Sue in there, we write:_

_You probably don't realize, but Lillianna is actually a Mary Sue. You really should rewrite her character a bit._

_Often, the author will not take notice of this review, so it is imperative that a Toast is sent as soon as possible._

**The Toast:**

_A Toast is like a gentle flame. Toasts begin with the words:_

_This is NOT a flame, but…._

_Toasts should be spell checked and laid out in an easy-to-read fashion, otherwise the author would not read it. If the author still does not notice, you have the right to flame._

**Flaming:**

_Flames are badly spelled, grammatically incorrect reviews from Fangirls. These should only be used when the author is persistent in not changing their Sue._

Personally, I don't recommend using that last one.

The email also contained information on the organization itself; otherwise know as The Sue Slayers.

Sue Slayers are a worldwide organization dedicated to the extermination of Sues, Stu's and Bad OCs. There are twelve Sue Slayers in every country, as they are very few and far between. Sue Slayers have to know much about writing, music, fighting, as well as being knowledgeable on the most popular fiction of today, Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Twilight (I read it! I read it!) The Simpsons, Naruto and Avatar.

Sue Slayers are recruited by their countries governments, and sent to a training camp in the Pacific, where they spend six weeks perfecting their skills, before the best six are sent into the internet to weed out Sues using three methods. The others are the ones who Review, Toast or Flame on the outside.

The Six, however, are sent into the world of FanFiction-which is situated in the internet at the address www. Fanfiction. net/ to slay Sues. They are the front line.

The three methods are:

**Music. Makeover. Serum.**

**Music**

Sues are famous for liking the music their character likes. This music is never, under any circumstances, Alterna-emo-punk-pop.

It has never, and hopefully never will be.

To catch the Sues and hopefully convert them to OCness, the Slayers will use iPods and large, portable speakers belting out bands that I mentioned in an earlier chapter. The Sue will run from them, straight into the cage the Slayers set up before hand. They will then be sent to the Centre for Sue/Stu Rehabilitation, situated in South Australia.

**Makeover**

Makeovers are used when it is impossible to chase the Sue around with loud music playing-usually because police, security officials, or Butler is around when the Sue out.

Makeovers take a lot of preparation, because only female Slayers can do them, and they require so many materials, i.e.:

Four pairs of hairdressing scissors

Crimping iron

Mouse brown hair dye

Four pairs of ripped jeans

Eight kinds of eyeliner

And a make up case.

Obviously, the Slayers have to disguise themselves as OC friends of the Sue, which means they look a lot like the Sue, but are never as smart or pretty. This means they have to dye their hair dark red, black or blonde and wear skirts.

The Sue will already have a huge group of sweet, not quite as smart but still clever friends. This means it is easy to infiltrate the group. Here is an excerpt from one of the Slayers reports on a Makeover carried out on an Edward Sue.

_It was really easy to get the stupid girl on her own. The author knows nothing about Twilight and vampire abilities. She was obviously too busy perving on Edward. I followed her to the kitchen, tackled her and we warped out of there. She didn't even have super strength…_

The Sue has since recovered and is living happily in California.

**Serum**

Made from the tears of six authors, the spit (ew, I know) of eight publishers, the bone dust (even ewwer) of the founder of Angus and Robertson, and the blood of an emo on my street, Sue Serum is the ultimate weapon in the battle against Mary Sues. It's the messiest one too.

Mary Sues are dangerous. They are very athletic and good at martial arts. Slayers are often in danger from insane, over the top characters. Sue Serum is their last weapon. It comes in syringes, capsules and water balloons. When the Serum enters the Sues body, it immediately makes its way to the black hole where the Sues heart should be.

The Sue then explodes in a big, messy mess.

And if those fail, the Slayers have semi-automatic rifles.

**Hi everyone, hope you had a great chrissy and a fantastic new year. I got books-yeah, Twilight! Twilight! It rocks!! **

**I'm getting the sequel for my birthday, which is on the 14****th**** of Jan, btw ;) and I can't wait!! Yay!!!**

**Anyway. REVIEW!!!**

**These bushfires are really annoying me, and so are those whaling japs,**

**Nicola.**


	7. More on the Slayers

**More about Sue Slayers**

**Or**

**Brave Boys and Gutsy Girls**

Yeah, that is a weird title…

The three main Sue Slaying offices are in America, England and Australia. They each have nine research officers and three Slayers.

The American office is headed by a seventeen year old girl, Hayley Long. It is in New York, hidden under a gun store. This means that the American office is the best in the business when it comes to Slaying.

The English office is in London, underneath Big Ben. It is headed by twenty year old Marcus White and is the foremost authority on the Top Four.

The Top Four are the top four characters that attract Mary Sues. Three of these four reside in England, Ireland or Scotland and are, therefore, in easy reach of the Slayers.

The Australian office is in Melbourne, underneath Federation Square. It is headed by Grace Rodgers who is a fourteen year old girl. The Australian office has the record of the most successful missions, twelve more than the English and four more than the U.S.

The top Slayer in each office is:

**Matthew Carney**

The oldest Sue Slayer in the entire organization, 15 year old Matthew is Americas star Slayer, having taken down fourteen Sues, eight Stus and surviving a Squee stampede.

Matthew's favourite assignment was living in Springfield for eight months while he single handedly took down the mother of all Bart-Sues. Matthew is also the world expert on anime-style Sues, from Avatar to Fullmetal Alchemist to Sailor Moon.

He currently resides in Florida and enjoys playing soccer, reading comics and working at the local library. Matt wants to write and publish his own manga.

**Kasey Allard**

One of the more intelligent members of the British Slayers, Kasey, age 11, is an expert on the four top pale guys, Edward, Artemis, Harry and Draco. Those four are the four characters who attract the most Sues, and Kasey reads over twenty fanfics a day to stay on top of things. Kasey has only taken part in two missions, a makeover on a Sue and a simple Serum mission.

Kasey lives in Bristol and spends most of her time reading, taking notes and talking to recovering Sues. She wishes to become a Psychologist.

**Elliot Wyman**

Aged 13 and a half, Australian Slayer Elliot is the go-to girl for tactics. She is famous for saving Matt Carney from certain pain by running straight at a Squee of Fangirls and chasing them off a cliff. Elliot has participated in 8 successful missions, and three failed ones to bring down Minerva Paradiso. On her last mission, Butler shot her in the leg when she attempted to pelt Minerva with Sue Serum balloons. She will soon retire because of this injury.

Elliot lives in Hobart and enjoys flaming people, writing and cooking. She wants to become a pilot.

**Famous Slayers**

Some other famous Slayers both retired and active are Lucy Liu (retired), Patrick Dempsey (retired), Nicholas Hoult (active), Mikey Way (active), Hilary Duff (retired) and J.K. Rowling (retired).

If you do have a chance to meet these people, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, mention Sue Slaying. It could expose the entire organization…

**Well guys, this is it. That was the last chapter. You don't need to know anything else about Mary Sues, and if I told you anything else about the Sue Slayers, I could get fired and mind wiped.**

**If you have any questions about Sue Slaying just PM me.**

**I would also like to extend the invitation to you to become an honorary Sue Slayer. All you have to do is add 'A proud member of the Sue Slayers' to your profile, and that's it! You're in.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. **

**MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE ROCK!**

**Love,**

**Nicola. (Third best Slayer at the Australian branch, with three successful missions to her name.)**


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